I notice my wife struggles with control issues. Well, on the surface it appears to be more of a struggle between us rather than her struggling for control.
For instance, we’ll be out at dinner and I may select something whereupon she may comment, “I’d NEVER have guessed you’d choose that in a million years.”, using that tone of voice that barely masks her distain. Or while I’m driving, she may feel very much offended when I don’t select the route she’s already mapped out in her head or switch lanes “too soon” or “not at the right time”.
I can understand getting testy with someone who acts dangerously on the road or who acts against one’s recommendations or advice. That can trigger a mood swing in anyone, whether they are suffering from bipolar disorder or not.
But why such behavior over seemingly trivial things?
It took us a long time to figure this one out. Mainly this was my fault for not putting my “male ego” shield aside and really analyzing the conditions when this happened.
And, for anyone suffering from bipolar disorder, this is a “duh” realization, and may well remark, “Of course this is why I act this way”. But for those of us who love and encourage them, this is one of those things that we have to consciously think about until it almost comes second nature.
Basically it is this in one sentence:
From time to time she feels a strong loss of control in her emotional world, and must influence things outside of herself to maintain emotional control.
The key part, the most important part I must remember, is “from time to time”. This is the part that confused me the most about the control issue until fully I understood this part (and reverberating impact) of the statement.
You see, if she ALWAYS needed to help pick out my menu items or ALWAYS needed my toothbrush in a certain spot in the bathroom then I could easily deal with this in my head. Everyone has preferences. I have my own quirky things to deal with and I could work around her fixed preferences like I do with myself and everyone else.
However, in her case (and for many others I suspect), the preference doesn’t always manifest itself, nor in the same way, for a given day or a given situation. It all depends upon the timing of the mood swing and the intensity of it.
Aha.
Now it starts to make sense even if it doesn’t follow a predictable pattern. Neither she nor I can predict when a abnormal control issue will appear between us, but knowing that it is a symptom of her feeling a loss of emotional control can help me walk around it, and can guide her through it.
And it’s a two way street. See, she is not an emotional or intellectual invalid. Her input is honestly (if sometimes frustratingly) given and completely valid. Her sense of style, grooming, décor, diet, are all amazingly appropriate and as a result I am a much more fashionable (and, erhm, healthier) man for it. Same goes for driving directions – I get hopelessly lost (also a mood swing trigger on her part) and she really does help in these situations, even if not always in the most tactful manner.
And we compromise. I’ll try to ask if she has a preference over who should drive instead of always jumping in the driver or passenger’s seat. When we upgraded our car she chose one with a GPS system (if she knows I can’t get lost she doesn’t feel the need to help me choose directions).
It’s definitely workable. Tough for us counterparts because we sometimes have to give up the seat where we are used to sitting in the living room, sometimes take adhoc lessons on which clothing to purchase, or simply have to change what we’re doing in mid-stream.
We who don’t suffer from bipolar disorder don’t always have to give in, because there are times when we simply want to do it our way instead. Or, the decisions they make may not always be healthy or wise. I frequently make my firm but (usually) gentle stand and to her credit, sometimes she accepts it. When she doesn’t it’s up in the air as to how and when we get the differences in opinion resolved.
It’s not a magic bullet, but knowing why the requests from our loved ones come so insistently at the most odd moments does help tremendously.